Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we salute another great proud day for British yesterday.
No. I not mean further triumph in Olympics. After all, that be short live. (And good thing too. It clear from low-key coverage in UK media that many self-effacing Brit find all this acute embarrassment. Don’t worry! Gold rush result from elite sport get nearly £100m per year, as well as adequate supply of facilities in schools. As Coalition sell off sports fields and investment drain away, future sporting success be confine to rowing, shooting and horse, preserves of private educated kids. This recover true spirit of British mediocrity and allow real sporting character – stoical moaning about past glories – to flourish once again.)
And no, I not mean discovery that Olympics will make major contribution to George Osborne UK Economic Performance Reduction Strategy. As you know, when Osborne blame some factor for depress UK growth – Royal Wedding, Euro, previous Labour Government, direction of wind, late appearance of spring cuckoos – in secret he please. His strategy for recovery depend on smash British economic performance in short term. This approximate conditions of Golden Age of national life. Victoria era. It ensure great engine of capitalism, that drive poor to work hard to close differentials and rich to strive to maintain them, INEQUALITY, is optimise and can spread its benign contagion. So Osborne please. For despite propaganda of cheerleaders for Olympic bid, who claim positive impact of Games on economy, actual effect on tourism, cultural events and retail almost certainly be negative. Just like every other Olympics, ever since goats cheese and olive oil traders complaints about special VIP lanes on trans-Peloponnesian dirt track were recorded by Aristotle.
And I not mean glorious revelation that British banking just as important as it always was: discovery of huge dealings of Standard Chartered. US regulators will add to yesterday’s evidence today and reveal pressure applied by British bank to Liverpool FC (bank sponsor their shirts) to rehire porky, retired, defensive legend Neil Ruddock, so Standard Chartered could hide billions of laundered dollars in folds of his vast kit.
Yes, it certainly proud time for British. With sense of national belonging. Statisticians notice unusual statistical spike in British use of first person singular. As in “we won the heptathlon, we won the 10 000 metres, we won the women’s sculls, we tanked the London retail sector, we hid Iranian cash from the regulators”.
But what interest me is by far proudest boast of British today: “We’ve got our Coalition back”. Yes, Nick Clegg make nation proud by put Coalition back on track and concede death of Lords Reform.
As you know, Nick has be great proponent of Coalition Changes Everything Principle. Usually, when no party win election, coalition formed and pursue programme that comprise elements of participating party’s election manifestos in proportion to their electoral success. But UK Coalition apply new principle. It pursue programme containing policies not in either party manifesto – top down reorganisation of NHS, means testing child benefit, imposing benefit cap – and even policies contradicting both their pre-election positions – increasing VAT, for example. Coalition Changes Everything Principle allow privileged, elite educated adherents to spirit of Thatcher, like Cameron and Clegg, to make spending cuts, reduce state, stigmatise and punish poor for their part in economic downturn, and impose only tokenistic measures on big finance. A radical rightist agenda only hint at by Tories and rejected by Liberals before election. Implemented by bypassing inconvenience of true electoral scrutiny and dated democratic accountability. (Just like our benign oligarchs do in Russia!) Presence of Liberals in Coalition provide huge benefit for Cameron. Instead of be on sidelines with Labour dismissing cuts as reactionary, they inside government. This make opposition to cuts seem minority activity. And Liberals infuriate extreme social conservatives in Cameron own party. This make him look moderate.
But before summer recess, Clegg is be wobblement. Lib Dem activists, with their macramé handbags, militant veganism, sackcloth sandals and organically fertilised beards, very unhappy that in exchange for support cuts, U-turn on tuition fees and dilution of green policies, all they get is few amendments in Health Bill – some better grammar and syntax, and exchange of use of word competition for use of word choice. So they very angry when Tories unable deliver majority for thing that matter to them. Lords Reform.
Now I not know how important this was to Clegg. After all, if British people not understand logic of Coalition they might vote against him in Sheffield. Then he need Lords to get back into government. Through appointment. By Cameron. And Lords, as pre-democratic institution, with system of patronage and unrepresentative membership, show way for post-democratic reality of Coalition.
Whatever. It appear Clegg must try get Lords Reform to satisfy his party. Especially as Coalition start make few little tactical error. Pasties. Caravans. Charity tax. Budget. Reversal these small measure by Osborne seen as response to popular concern, not result of lobbying by Lib Dems inside Coalition. Activists uncomfortable party not able adopt natural position: flexible oppositionist populism, so brilliant exemplify by gold-medal winner in Olympic Freestyle Bandwagon Jumping, Simon Hughes. So they wonder if it time pull out of Coalition.
But Clegg has make brilliant coup. He agree death of Lords Reform. But has compensate his activists by say he oppose boundary change plans. Now this is annoy Cameron bit and backbenchers more. But again that useful. Anything that anger Therese Coffey is seen as moderation by British people. And so long as Clegg not want real change – like ask for pupil premium be made real by restoring pre-election levels of education funding, halt resource drain of Free Schools, insist removal of poorest from tax become effective through reinstate tax credits and scrap of benefit cap, propose VAT cut, insist work experience always paid, call for Health Bill repeal, can electronic surveillance plans, lead more constructive engagement on Euro crisis, end bonuses in nationalised banks, and demand immediate abolition of Eric Pickles, Grant Shapps and Sayeeda Warsi – then everything be fine and Cameron happy.
So. Impress by this reboot of Coalition, I have make big decision. Russian are popular in Britain. Our oligarchs are great source of your foreign exchange reserves. How wise are City of London and Premiership not to care too much about how money is made as long as it is money! So I have ask Smolensk oligarch Big Oleg to back my campaign to stand as Coalition candidate. In Corby.
Corby seat vacant for sad reason that MP Louise Mensch resign to devote more time to pressing needs and demands of herself. So I plan run in Corby on 5 point platform:
I will back the NHS with same fervour as Shirley Williams
I will reform House of Lords by let peers watch Countdown during sittings
I will end pie tax row by introduce incentives for any outlets that sell my Konnolsky hot meat products, especially assistant Yuri excellent goat bladder and otter cheese flan
I will be tough on vegetarianism and tough on the causes of vegetarianism
I will call for investment in Corby’s famous trouser press to turn it into a viable Trident replacement
Yes, I plan mount serious challenge. I announce my candidacy on my new social network platform. Forget Menshn. Say hello to Rushn!
And you will have notice I plan stand as Coalition candidate. And this for good reason. Nick Clegg effectively abolish Lib Dems yesterday and pave way for merger with Tories into new Coalition Party. I plan be first candidate of this organisation. And if it not possible get party approved in time for Corby poll, then I sure Nicky be plenty happy if I stand for party that sound most like Coalition and he has work so hard to benefit.