Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we watch Volga News TV Politics Round Up.
At first it dominate by yesterday footage of Vladimir Putin triumphant return to Presidency. We weep plenty big tear as entire population of small hamlet near Nizhny-Novgorod get so excited they spontaneously combust, delight as man from Suzdal place himself in cryogenic suspension so his organs can be used by Putin after assassination attempt, and rejoice as monks at monastery in Tomsk press for Putin pre-mortality canonisation following Brother Ivanov discovery of perfect image Putin face formed by streak markings in his underpant.
Then coverage change to election in France. Volga News show exclusive interview with one of leading authorities on this subject.
Interviewer: Nigel Farage [interviewer say it Fa- ra-ʒuh]
NF: No, I’m sorry, it’s not pronounced like that.
Interviewer: Oh, I sorry, I thought it was a French name. Farra-ggeh, like German?
NF: No, that’s worse.
Interviewer: Faraˈχeh, like Spanish?
NF: Look can we just get on with this?
Interviewer: I just thought it foreign-sounding, like so many of your great British names, you know, Murphy, Portillo, Chang, Patel, Wójcik, Hussein.
NF: Get on with it!
Interview: You’ve called for the Coalition to resist the democratic outcome of the French elections.
NF: Well you call them democratic, and if you don’t mind me saying so that’s just typical of a Russian. Democratic! How is evil, heavily armed Eurocrats dragooning ordinary French voters to polling stations, where they are instructed to vote for socialism, democratic?
Interviewer: But why would Eurocrats, as you call them, do that? I thought EU committed to Merkozy austerity.
NF: Ah well you see that’s it, that’s the low spiteful cunning of the European Union. Not content with imposing austerity on countries like Greece, an austerity that is broadly in line with what I advocate for the UK economy, except it’s got one problem…
Interviewer: Which is?
NF: It’s not British. Indeed it’s catastrophic for Britain. It tanks the economies of our biggest export markets so they can’t buy from us, wrecking them with exactly the sort of measures that I want to see us in Britain take even further. Typical Brussels! Doing what sensible budget balancing Brits want to do, but only to spite us: only because their doing it, when we’re doing it, means our doing it is disastrous. Well, not content with doing the right thing for the wrong reason, now Europe is showing signs that it will revert to its foreign socialist expansionary inflationary lunacy, following policies developed by foreigners like Marx…
Interviewer: Who lived in London.
NF: And Keynes.
Interviewer: Who was British.
NF: There’s no evidence for that.
Interviewer: But I don’t understand. If Eurozone pursues expansionary policy won’t that help Britain? You can pursue domestic austerity in UK, balance books, but have active economies overseas you can sell to. Eurozone do you favour. Like Chinese growth keep America afloat?
NF: Well putting to one side your noxious idea of the interconnectedness of our economy with foreign ones, the point is clear. This all sets up an offensive socialist alternative, and that offensive socialist alternative might, as you say, rescue the UK economy.
NF: Well we don’t want to be rescued by the French! It’s our job, our historic mission to rescue them! That’s why I’m calling on the Government to act. Before it’s too late. With Hollande taking control of Paris, how long can it be before Belgium takes full control of London? So, we should immediately assemble an Expeditionary Force to sail from Dover to Calais to renew our historic Anglo-Saxon-Norman mission of subjugating the French to our will and making France part of Britain.
Interviewer: As suggested by your name?
NF: Look. I have found an original copy of the Law Salique. It argues that succession in France proceeds from the Femail. Or the Mail. So we may with right and conscience make this claim. I mean, may I remind the Coalition of their responsibilities. This day is called the Feast of Gideon. He that outlives this day…
Then, after this, we get preview of ceremony for David Cameron and Nick Clegg renewal of marriage vows.
Archbishop: Will you David William Posh Boy Milk Shun Shiny Face Police Horseride With Or Without Lube Rupert I Really Don’t Mind Reasonably Priced Supper in My Opinion Donald Cameron take this man? Will you supply him with a ministerial car, an illusory, impermanent and frankly erratic sense of self-worth, will you love and cherish him as those under fire might love and cherish body armour, decoys or even a human shield, for as long as you both shall avoid the electorate?
DC: I will.
Archbishop: Will you Nicholas William Janus Face Orange Book Blue Book More Like What’s the Point of Me Exactly Say It’s Liberal Often Enough and Some Idiot Will Believe You Opportunity Knocks Peter Clegg allow yourself to be taken by this man? Will your presence permit his savagely cutting, state-dismantling, benefit slashing, email surveilling regime to be considered leftist by Dorries and Bone and Jackson, and forsaking all others, will you abandon anything for him, beliefs, ideology, and even your very dignity, love, honour and obey him, for as long as you both shall live?
NC: I will.
Archbishop: And so once more I pronounce you man and bitch. You may now – oh I see…
NC: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, as you can see from the promptness with which, even on this rainy day, Nick has resumed his usual position – and Nick if you just, hmm, if you just nod down to the left while I thrust up to the right, yes, perfect, good man – then you can see that talk of our divorce has been overstated and we’re as united as ever. In fact, I say to Nadine and others, who object to marriages of this sort and think I give Nick too much head, surely this scene proves otherwise.