Don’t Panic
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop we worry about how UK deal with petrol shortage cause by imminent tanker driver strike.
Do not be confuse by advice minister Francis Maude give. He say fill plenty jerry can with petrol and store in garage. Controversies! Expert in chemical safety think Maude huff and puff will burn your house down. Most say he talk nonsense. Coalition latest “fall guy”. Maude is patsy. On Today Programme he get hot, interviewers tax him, then eat for breakfast.
But Maude advice not concern car fuelling. It about riots.
This week Riot Panel report on causes of UK disturbances in 2011. They conclude rioters got no stake in normal society. Maude invert. Normal society got no stake in rioting. By equip everyone with self-combusting Molotov Cocktails to destroy their neighbourhood, Maude make rioting ordinary, unglamorous. Kids will shun the suburban contempt for property which cause middle classes set own community ablaze, and instead rebel their way into tea rooms and eat muffins. Theory controversial. Some sociologists advising Panel worry about make domestic arson social norm. Just as now they now crave Xbox 360, disadvantaged kids will crave garage full of incendiary material – whether can afford it or not. Typical attitude. Something for nothing. Or, since house burn down, nothing for nothing.
So follow Maude advice, but only as part of Big Society: Big Bang approach to social harmony.
Fortunately we in Smolensk can help. Two year ago, we experience fuel supply problem and got many idea on how cope.
You see, local oligarch Big Oleg and bitter rival Big Alkan start gang war. They dispute who should supply Smolensk with petroleum (and also have concession to pump liquid cooking lard into City). Soon rival tankers blockade roads. Lard need met. Airforce drop daily shower of beef dripping, which citizens catch in pan. But soon vehicle use very disrupt.
So we improvisation. Local egghead Student Arkady notice some my assistant Yuri pie – especially goat bladder and badger curd – emit methane. We put in engine of shop van and burn off gas. Bad smell but plenty efficient. Van achieve 30km to the kilo. By-product sustainable: food baked. You could try in UK, if government not put VAT on hot pie emissions. We also try alcohol, mostly 83% proof nettle and polystyrene vodka. Effective. However this cut personal alcohol consumption and reduce drink driving. People tense at wheel: accidents. Anyway, minimum alcohol pricing in UK may again make this expensive.
So, best solution? Urine. For years, Yuri able power motorcycle from own pump. We all try. It work. But no one match fuel efficiency Yuri achieve. So we make him go on industrial scale. Trial suggest Yuri urinary tract dilute combustive power of alcohol, but enhance water. Using ordinary garden hose we give Yuri continuous supply from tap. Then drivers obtain fuel from his nozzle. At first Yuri assist. But soon people get the hang of it and system become self-service. Yuri pure gold. No need for panic. As long as he stay desperate, no one else get desperate. He keep going to keep Smolensk going for three week. Then gangs lift blockade following truce. (Oleg keep petrol and lard deals, but let Alkan open outlets in City to sell his patent Shake n Vac alternative, Chuck n Suck.)
So, if tanker strike happen, this look like option number one. After all, your piss is yours, to do with as you please. No one can take it. Not even politician.
