Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we plenty hop with mad ragement over big issue of George Osborne Budget. Pies.
Please not get me incorrect. I was plenty happy with Budget. Rich get top rate present, paid for by benefit cuts, bonfire of services, tax credit slash (diluting threshold rise), elderly and death of Vince Cable reputation. This is signal. It reinforce basic principle of capitalism, principle I practice every time I put red ink on six day old chop that go bit green. Getting away with it. Osborne himself illustrate principle, vital to creating essentials of advanced economy – derivatives, gap insurance, 26-bladed razors – by use new Budget incentive for use of foreign subsidiaries (hidden in language of crackdown on loopholes). He not pay 50p rate himself because for tax purposes he not George Osborne at all, but GO Exchequer Services Ltd, an atoll in Indian Ocean.
I not even mind minimum alcohol price. Assistant Yuri’s 83% proof carrot and polythene vodka homebrew show how cheap you can binge, at minimal risk blood poisoning.
But in impose VAT on takeaway pie, Osborne make me enemy.
As you know, together with finest cut of beef, mutton, goat, otter and snow fox, Yuri expand our butcher shop product range with fine pies: yak, yak liver, yak sausage and squirrel cheese, vole steak and duck bladder, horse brawn, and now special dessert pie, his Sarah Palin Baked Alaska, with puff pastry, permafrost and oil.
We plan begin global march of my meat emporium by export pie to UK and sell hot. Our boss, Smolensk oligarch Big Oleg commission research and identify suitable markets: where pie enthusiasm powerful (Rochdale), where people got strong stomachs (Frankie Boyle shows), lack taste (Michael Boulton gigs), where suspicious sudden deaths easy blame on something else (Sellafield), and where there captive desensitised market (Glastonbury, prisons, House of Lords canteen).
But VAT block us. Final straw. Enough. Pie’s the limit.
Osborne policy have immediate consequence in UK economy. Local egghead Student Arkady illustrate mathematically. I not sure if it algebra or geometry. Arkady call it Gideometry. He write equation (he want do pie chart, but worry about 20% surcharge):
K(π) x 1.2 x 5 900 167 = Gr – 30 000 000 = H x 0.5 = D = 0
(Where K is heat, Gr famous hot pie bakers, H is Tom Huddlestone, D manual working classes, and π is pi is pie.)
This make my silly head ache worse than time Arkady show how use log tables and slide rule to calculate Cliff Richard age. But meat and potato of issue clear. Hot pie market soon collapse
So we play for high steaks. And kidney. And plan lobby. (Not usual business of put £250k in brown envelope. We sceptical about this approach. Last time we do it, administrative error pass our money to Lib Dems. Vince Cable agree our proposal then Danny Alexander block it.) First, we stand outside Treasury and chant Who Hates All the Pies? Then we send Chancellor samples. Case of have pie and eat it. Yuri recipes divide people. Like Marmite. But with higher mortality risk. If George like, he realise what he miss. If not like, it be because he sick. Big sick. Imagine bite into Melton Mowbray and feel like you is be waterboard. Gitmo in pastry. Short-crust Lubyanka. Rendition in a roll. So George get scared. And concede our demand.
We plenty reasonable. Yuri pie got other application. Military. After three day, crust so hard you can use as anti-tank shell. Excessive eating cause same symptom as anthrax, as well as altered mental, gender, even species states. And pie, combined with beetroot vodka, produce weapons grade projectile diarrhoea.
These military application surely justify exempt our product from VAT. Osborne definitely agree. Especially as in final lobbying coup, Big Oleg show George tape featuring him, hostess, glass coffee table, laxatives, groin harness and galvanised rubber baguette.
Arkady again illustrate benefit.
Y(π) x 2 789 547 = (E = MC2) = D = 0
(Where Y is Yuri, E is Mr Pickles, M is his mass, and C is his speed of consumption.)
Arkady first calculation show, VAT on hot pies gradually eliminate poor. (Osborne already make sensible suggestion they could switch foods: “Let them eat cake,” he say.)
But if population control is Osborne aim, Arkady second calculation prove he should use our pies. Achieve goal with nearly 3 million fewer unit.