What Putin Win Mean for Cameron
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we hail glorious election victory of President Putin.
We knew it be great day when Russia version of Sun on Sunday carry headline “Vladimir Putin Ate My Hamster!” alongside picture of proud Chelyabinsk rodent chef Kostya Ratov. Then scale of victory remarkable. Although figure quote in Western media suggest smaller triumph than in past, here in Smolensk, according to our pro-Putin Mayor and porn star Afansy Dzherkov, Putin poll incredible 104% of vote. Amazing! Especially as none my customer actually go polling station. Though assistant Yuri let Putin official cast vote for him, as many times as he like. On TV, Afansy give us hard facts on vote. He illustrate swing to Putin with his own Ivan. Massive surge!
There even more emphatical success elsewhere and Putin decision to award ballot box contract to global stuffing giants, Paxo, is repay. 72 000 people in Aksay vote for Putin United Russia Party: big swing to Vlad (and massive population growth since 2010 Census record 42 000 inhabitant). Putin obtain 116% of vote in Irkutsk, where local bylaw mean non-Putin candidates must either replace own name with one of official candidate labels – Rabies, Pederast, Herpes, Encrusted Pant – or may use own name followed by words “likes his prostrate prodded” or “enjoys company of nubile goats”. Putin today give posthumous Order of St Andrei to Igor Pelnikov, sole inhabitant of remote Urals village, who stampede self to death voting for Putin 237 times in one hour (new Russian record). And election declared free and fair by Florida Election Commissioners. Of course some critic of election. Mikhail Gorbachev call election fraudulent, but Kremlin say Gorby all discredit himself, and release picture of him riding Raisa.
What victory show is Putin control of political, financial, security, judicial and media systems. His famous managed democracy model, based on marriage, not separation, of powers (separation precede divorce; Putin good family man), is envy of world.
Of course there been recent protest in Russia. Maybe times is change. One Putin aide greet news of victory by say “Today Russia; tomorrow Georgia and Ukraine”. Putin victory hailed by many great world leaders, like President Assad. But some suggest Vlad must concede reform in future. We see. For every successful uprising, there plenty Tiananmens, Prague Springs, and Iraq War demos.
But suppose Putin lose standing as world’s leading benign autocrat. Who he pass baton round to? How do obvious candidate, David Cameron, measure up?
Like Putin got Medvedev, Cameron has suicidal-loyal Nicky Clegg: number two who heap any amount political ordure on own head to keep boss image intact. Together they hijack UK political system with novel form of Coalition government. Instead of reflect balanced election outcome and agree compromise composite drawn from their party’s programmes, they ignore electorate, do things not in either manifesto, and pursue policies no one, except Andrew Lansley and bond markets, vote for.
City finance symbiotical with Conservative Party: provide 50% its funding. So benefits slash. Middle income households squeeze. But new levies on banks generate tax take that is fraction of one percent of RBS assets alone. Debate rage about end 50p tax rate. And £1m never enough for deliver plummeting share price.
Cameron got less control over judges than Putin. But not worry. This be change. When UK leave European Union, British abandon Human Rights Convention and instead put in place Bill of Rights. Or Bill is Right. So called because it put in law all things Cameron agree on with real Foreign Secretary, Bill Cash, and set out their sensible views on immigrants, asylum seekers, workers, aggrieved consumers, and all other enemies of British life.
Cameron equal Putin in control of press. Nick Robinson, Stephanie Flanders, Adam Boulton, Andrew Neil: excellent propagandists for Coalition. So there is Leveson. But as previous posts show, Sun on Sunday, Michael Gove and circus of celebrity gossip at Enquiry mean it probably amount to nothing.
But Leveson has reveal great opportunity for Cameron. On policing.
Police like everyone else. They follow the money, the dinners, drinks, health spas, the brown paper bags. If money say leak information to newspapers or go easy over phone hacking, that what police do. That is capitalism. You get what pay for. That why Putin and friends keep all his security services sweet by pay them through managed system of police bribery.
So, David Cameron consider proposal. According to Volga News, after see Leveson last week, John “Champagne Charlie Unicorn November Tango” Yates allegedly visit Downing Street. There he tell Cameron way get best from police is pay them. Directly. By privatisation.
Work like this. Police service be purchase by businessmen: retailers, financiers, press barons, all people close to Conservative Party. Why they do it? What in it for them? Well he who is pay Pied Piper is decide tune for rat dance. What matter to business type is protect property and profit, especially when times tough, money tight and crime rise. So they pay police to tackle shoplifting, vandal, riots, to provide bailiff services for rent and debt defaulters, and manage blacklisting of workplace troublemaker. All this benefit business. And police spend no time on things business not like: corporate crime, tax evasion. So business happy become Police Commisioners – literally! Citizens panic by press headlines on crime see motivated force focusing on terrifying underclass. Tory backbenchers worry less about police wasting time on silly things, like hate crime, fraud or even rape. So by privatise, Cameron get police he want: last step in mission to maximise power, match Putin and maybe one day surpass him.
To make pitch, Yates took with him loveable Cockerney magpie Andy “Gaw blimey up the apples and pears get me to the church on time chimchimeney chimchimeney half-inched me bleedin’ last monkey bit taters today innit, real pea souper too wotchoo onabaht you slag havin’ a larf intcha” Hayman. They decide make idea memorable for PM. So Hayman sang song, apparently to theme tune from great saga of loveable East End conmen, Minder.
Volga News (English language edition) carry transcript.
So Good for You
Intro music, with Neil Wallis and Lucy Panton tinkling the ivories (and champagne glasses), Sir Paul Stephenson on comb and Champneys notepaper, and John Yates on brass neck:
Deenadanahdanah doo DA! bededodah BWAAnahbabah DA! Dedededede oo deh BWAAnah DEEEEEEEE ba DOOOOO badabo Dah dena dena badeh BWEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHH
If you want you can pay for your policin’
[Ba dabado dah bi dahdah doo]
Cop service you buy, without too much fleecin’
[Badadum badadum badadum, BWAAnabadAAH]
You want some iffy fuzz
[BWAAnabadAAH]
Filth who are just like us:
We’ll be so goo-ood fo-or you!
Bent enough to work for you.
We’re gonna charge yah!
Water cannon riots too.
Hush up anything for yoo-oo-oo-ou
Or bang ‘em up for you.
Pay us and we’ll graft for you.
We’ll bill you every month or two!
Leave your mates at large for you!
Insider deals we’ll not pursoo-oo-oo-ue,
We’ll cover up for you.
[Badumbbabadi BWAAAAAH dwoodledoo]
If crime rises cos people are much poorer,
[Ba dabado dah bi dahdah doo]
Middle England’ll feel there’s no law and order.
[Badadum badadum badadum, BWAAnabadAAH]
Last things you’ll want from us
[BWAAnabadAAH]
Are fraud, press or hate crime fuss.
You want the poor in cuffs.
Stop and search is good for you.
Protect the suburbs!
Round up all the homeless too.
Scroungers on benefits we’ll scroo-oo-oo-ew
And single mothers too.
Rioters in stir for you.
Students do porridge.
Ensure that Rupe’s Sky bid goes through,
Who cares what Leveson will doo-oo-oo-oo
We might bang him up too.
[Badumbbabadi BWAAAAAH dwoodledoo]
Steve Hilton departed Downing Street for America shortly after this performance. As final piece of Cameron secret project to turn UK into Putin style managed democracy in place, his work was done.
