Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we plenty worry about economic situation in UK.
British economy stall. This all because of Europe. UK growth for 2011 expected be about 1%. Eurozone about 1.5%. Not only is Brussels steal UK sovereignty, it steal your well known industrial productivity!
And this week it been announce one million young people without jobs. Terrible social consequences. Once full of hope and optimism, these poor creature only got daytime television to look forward to. Expect mass suicide pacts now Nick Hewer presenting Countdown.
We not have similar problem in Russia. Our youngsters sent on national service, into army, on peacekeeping missions to Chechnya. If they survive amusements of army induction (the shower, soap and cattle prod game is big favourite), silly hostility of Chechen population (who not understand policy of raze cities to ground is consistent with our noble traditions of benign imperialism), and Russian army catering, our youths leave service with all skills they need for working lives: providing security for gangsters, evading UK Border Force, or serving aggressive concert goers in Royal Albert Hall.
It shame UK want end involvement in Afghanistan. Like Chechnya, conflict there is sufficiently open-ended and insoluble to provide work for generations of conscripts. So perhaps David Cameron ask Bill Cash to lead mass European Expeditionary Force, to complete work of Wellington and Bomber Harris once and for all. Or maybe Coalition expand plans for non-military national service. There certainly plenty many challenges youth could help with. Thousands could get valuable work experience managing Oliver Letwin correspondence, Vince Cable tax affairs, or explaining rudimentary logic to Grant Shapps.
But even though recent events mean plenty youngsters inspired to seek career in Church or Corporation of London, more radical solution is need.
So suggestions. Russian scientists discover Home Secretary Theresa May and Media Mafia Mogul James Murdoch both got brains containing one five hundred thousandth of normal levels of mature adult curiosity about what their subordinates doing. So, sack them and replace both with job shares of half a million kids each.
Flaw in this idea is possibility many kids possess normal capabilities in reasoning, curiosity and memory, even despite best efforts of UK education system, and could do these jobs plenty effective by themselves. So this lead to alternative idea. Sack top 1 million people in UK economy and replace with young. This not case of rob Pyotr to pay Pavel. Top 1 million not become unemploy. No. They retire using banker bonuses, sale of second home, or the standard face-saving pay off for the over-promoted, known as the “Steve Maclaren Handshake”.
Political classes could take lead. Coalition Cabinet could dismiss itself and be replace by young people. And as Italy show, this not even need troublesome business of elections. David Cameron simply go see Queen and recommend she send for Jayden or Mia, you know, off of the Herbert Morrison Estate in Camberwell.
And question is, would anyone notice difference? New PM appoint Cabinet of pals from their ‘hood, just like Cameron pick his public school friends. New Deputy PM Kyle achieve same results as Nick Clegg, but blame differences between what he say on tuition fees and what he actually do on ADHD. And consider other top jobs. Like Governor of Bank of England, Mervyn King. He say in early 2008 greatest threat to UK economy was inflation. Then he reflate economy. He recommend deficit reduction strategy to incoming Tories and been revise down UK growth predictions ever since. Is anyone notice if King’s decision-making process is replace by group of teenage boys playing specially adapted version of the Biscuit Game? Anyone could write Melanie Phillips columns using Dadaist method of randomly drawing words like muslim, family, single, political, mother, socialism, correctness, breakdown, evils and Winterval out of sack. What exactly is practical difference between Rob Andrew and small committee of obese computer-game addicts who never seen rugby ball? There must be many youngsters who can sneer as condescendingly as Kirsty Allsopp, with just as little merit, capability or discernible social use. Michael MacIntyre could retire and make way for rota of enthusiastic youngsters equipped with the line “aren’t fridges weird?” And some young people may even seek opportunities overseas. English FA should lobby for Sepp Blatter to step down in favour of caucus of enthusiastic young BNP activists.
And of course there always possibility young people, with their energy, lack of prejudice, enthusiasm, might do better job than those they replace.
But of course you can have too much too young. And sometimes less is more. Even when it feel like it just less. So perhaps Coalition course is wisest. Let problem burn itself out. So: youth unemployment produce poverty. This cause crime, rioting, social unrest. This cause middle class anxiety. This induce authoritarian crack downs. This mean tough sentences. This put more young people in prison. This lead to recidivism. Cycle of unemployment and crime continue until young person move outside 16-24 age bracket. They then well on road to scrap heap of chronic middle aged unemployability.
And just like their electorally insignificant fathers and mothers, they can be forgotten.