October 2012
9 posts
A Poem for George
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, local egghead has compose poem to commemorate what happen today to George Osborne.[[MORE]]
The Night Mare
(After WH Auden » http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6H3jGjmPWX4)
This is the Night Mare. SPAD pays. (My order.) Taking his change and then all aboard her. First class for the rich, second for...
How much is a yak worth?
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we think today about time when local oligarch Big Oleg try set local yak meat market.[[MORE]]
You see, when we was all control by communism, there was one yak supplier in city: Marxist-Leninist Yak Meat for Proletarian Joy Combine of Smolensk. Yak price subsidise. Then, after fall of USSR, yak industry was privatise and fall into hands of oligarch Big Alkan....
Volga News: Charles' Letters (continued)
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we read in UK Guardian that Prince Charles correspond with Tessa Jowell over New Deal. Well, Mr Russabbottbridger, once again Volga News ahead of you! After its first leak of Charles letters > http://konnolsky.tumblr.com/post/33721926749/volga-news-leaks-charles-letters it has today publish further selection of correspondence. I reproduce...
Volga News Leaks Charles' Letters
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we sad for British friends who prevent by Attorney General from see letters from Prince Charles to ministers. But, our local paper Volga News has leak small selection of correspondence. So we happy help you out by reproduce. Please see below.[[MORE]]
Letter 1
Dear Minister,
I sincerely hope this finds you in the finest possible fettle. Now, I won’t beat about...
Being against Votes for Women does not make me any...
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, Student Arkady has brought us letter from Times of London, 15 October 1912.[[MORE]]
Votes for women? I already do!
Sir,
Female Suffrage is not one of those issues that conveniently divide into left and right. There are a small number of Conservatives who, despite belonging to a party whose official position is to doubt whether women are actually human, have...
Best form of defence
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we welcome Chris Grayling suggestion people should be able defend own home against intruder by use disproportionate force.[[MORE]]
Local oligarch Big Oleg particularly welcome this. He has test Smolensk law in this area for years. When his operation expand to London, he need know courts on his side. Especially as he has amass great personal fortune and many...
Osborne Interview
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we hear interview George Osborne give for BBC Smolensk this morning, ahead of Tory Party Conference speech. Here extract.[[MORE]]
Osborne: …The basic point is that the policy is now supported by hard evidence. I don’t like the findings any more than you at the BBC do. But according to Treasury research, the truth is that poor people are...
Ode to Autumn
Hello! Here in Smolensk butchr shop we join British friends as they celebrate National Poetry Day. And as treat, local egghead Student Arkady has produce fine new poem.[[MORE]]
Ode to Autumn
(After Keats)
Season of pissed-up Conference activists! Kate’s bosom veiled by the “maturing” Sun. Advising Nick Clegg how he’ll best insist There’s fruit in deals he’s struck with Cameron,...
The Modern Leader's Speech
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we await Ed Miliband Speech and think how hard it is be Modern Leader.[[MORE]]
When I in Smolensk Academy in 1970s, my teacher Professor Miliutin used despise subjectivity. “Where is your evidence?” he shout and threaten we all be purge. Before he was purge. He often say “There is no ‘I think’ or “I feel” or other...
September 2012
3 posts
Westminster School Apologises
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we read in Volga News (UK edition) apology by famous English Public School. Transcript below.[[MORE]]
Westminster School Apology
We make a commitment to all parents, and to the country, that we will raise no cads and bounders among the pupils in our care. But that was a mistake. It was a pledge made with the best of intentions – but we shouldn’t have made it...
Let's do Vince Cable again!
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we recover from last night Rocky Horror tribute event at Happy Kalashnikov Bar.[[MORE]]
And as UK announce new industrial policy this week, local egghead Student Arkady perform special version of most famous song from show.
Doin’ Vince Cable
(To this famous tune >http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_4aWTAkCFY)
It’s astounding I’m still heeded. Madness...
Shapps!
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we excite Tory Housing Minister Grant Shapps is tip from promotion.[[MORE]]We remember time Student Arkady ask me and Yuri help him sing Shapps tribute song. We do karaoke in park at local Smolensk blaxploitation night to famous song by Isaac Hunt. Or is it Jeremy Hunt? What you mean Arkady they same? Huh, what Yuri? Hayes. Of course. Jeremy Hayes. Not Jeremy?...
August 2012
4 posts
Smolensk Sun Says
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we get exclusive justification in Smolensk edition of The Sun of paper decision to publish naked picture of Prince Harry. Here transcript (translated back into appropriate English by local egghead Student Arkady).[[MORE]]
Smolensk Sun Says…
Today we’ve published pictures of Britain’s very own Prince Harry. In the buff. And very buff you...
Exchanging Policies with Policy Exchange
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we very excite by new report from Cameronist think tank Policy Exchange.[[MORE]]
Today, Policy Exchange say councils should sell any social housing they got in expensive areas, build new estates in poor area, and relocate tenants to these new place.
Smolensk egghead, Student Arkady explain. “The only true authority, Pavel, is the market. It determines...
Like a Virgin
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we learn Quentin Tarantino has today release new version of opening scene of Reservoir Dogs. Here is transcript.[[MORE]]
Mr. Brown: Let me tell you what ‘Like a Virgin’ is about. It’s all about a girl who fucks a guy who’s a big dick. The entire procurement. It’s a metaphor for big dicks. Mr. Blonde: No, no. It’s about a...
Konnolsky for Corby
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we salute another great proud day for British yesterday.[[MORE]]
No. I not mean further triumph in Olympics. After all, that be short live. (And good thing too. It clear from low-key coverage in UK media that many self-effacing Brit find all this acute embarrassment. Don’t worry! Gold rush result from elite sport get nearly £100m per year, as well as adequate...
July 2012
1 post
Diamond, gold, silver, bronze, white
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we very thankful to all friends who concern about my absence. This contrast with reaction my sons, who only just realise I been gone for almost month. [[MORE]]
So where I been? Plenty excitement!
Over three week ago, Smolensk oligarch Big Oleg summon me his office in Happy Kalashnikov Bar.
“I want him Pavel,” he say. “Get me Diamond!” Oleg explain he want...
June 2012
11 posts
End housing benefit: improve gene pool!
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, local egghead Student Arkady throw plenty light on UK Prime Minister David Cameron benefit proposals. [[MORE]]
“Ending housing benefit for the under 25s,” he say. “Capping numbers of children you get child benefit for. Brilliant ideas, Pavel. But widely misunderstood. Commentators like Peter Hitchens say the UK benefits system incentivises poor...
Big Society, Big Bishop
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop we plenty angry Archbishop Rowan of Pelling of Canterbury attack David Cameron Big Society. [[MORE]]
Big Society born in Russia. When Soviet Union collapse, public service system is disintegration. But happy for us, it replace by charity of wealthy oligarchs and gangsters. They provide welfare. In exchange for krisha protection money or political support. And...
The Good Gove Days
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, last night we watch re-run of great British programme, The Good Old Days. Here sample.[[MORE]]
SACHS: Antediluvian [woooo], pre-lapsarian [woooo], retrospective, retrograde, reactionary rapscallion, Mr Michael Gove! [bangs gavel – applause]
GOVE: Thank you, thank you. Whoops, did I hear a gavel? My life, I thought it was Judge Leveson. Have a care there Your...
Dave Rave at Jimmy Diddle
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop we plenty impress by UK Prime Minister David Cameron attack on Jimmy Carr.[[MORE]]
We read in Volga News that when Cameron hear Carr said he only pay tax he have to, PM so furious he spill coffee. First time Jimmy Carr’s act make someone wet themselves.
Now in Smolensk, we got no problem with clamp down on tax avoid. For when happen, we applaud public spirit...
Mob
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we exhaust. Why? Oh usual. Been rioting. [[MORE]]
It start like this. We relax in shop. Slow day. Few customer. Assistant Yuri, me, local egghead Student Arkady.
“So, if he believed in reducing the power of the regulator all along,” Arkady muse aloud, “Why was he completely silent on the issue until after the McTaggart lecture…”
“Whuh,” I reply, trying...
After Sonnet 130
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we see David Cameron welcome Michael Gove initiative of make recite poems in schools compulsory and wish this be extend to members of House of Commons. Especially if got Liverpool accent. Local egghead Student Arkady has draft poem he say Cameron could recite to House to set example. [[MORE]]
After Shakespeare, Sonnet 130
Rebekah’s lies no longer fill The...
I, Clegg, Who Was Nothing
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we read in Volga News of astonishing, bravura musical reassurance Nick Clegg give David Cameron about his decision to order Lib Dems abstain in Hunt vote. Here text of his song:[[MORE]]
I, Clegg who was nothing
[To this famous tune >
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQnsN3um-iQ
I, Clegg, who was nothing I, Clegg, who was no one Adore you, and help you so...
Gay Marriage
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we read in Volga News about official new Church of England hymn on gay marriage for sing in churches from this weekend.[[MORE]]
And in cunning move, church has chosen this artist and her most famous melody as inspiration for new song > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_DOHGhWSgQ8
Here words:
Uuuuup yoooouuurs Ian McKellen And Gay Times. What makes...
The Trouble With Families
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher’s shop, local egghead Student Arkady explain significance of David Cameron 15 minute abandonment of daughter.[[MORE]]
“It is a timely public admission by Cameron, Pavel,” he explain. “Not a leak against him by the Murdochs. No. Now most people will think that it was a typical confusion of modern life, you know, ‘But darling,...
Clegg at Leveson
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we think it plenty coincidence Nick Clegg called to Leveson next week, as last night I have dream about it. Here what happen.[[MORE]]
JAY: So, Mr Clegg, when you were making the tea, did you ever hear anyone talking about the BSkyB bid?
CLEGG: For the record, I don’t make tea.
JAY: Really?
CLEGG: No. David drinks coffee.
JAY: Coffee?
CLEGG: Yes.
...
Bunting Kills
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we recover from Jubilee calamity.[[MORE]]
I plenty popular butcher in Smolensk. Secret? Keep quiet and let assistant Yuri do everything. But nearly two week ago, Smolensk oligarch Big Oleg send me on mission. He ask me deliver 50 boxes contraband Jubilee bunting to UK contact, Staffordshire-based Mr Cash. Oleg keen avoid official interference with delivery. As...
May 2012
11 posts
Volga News TV. Cameron on Hunt
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher’s shop, we just watch interview David Cameron give to Volga News TV (English Language edition) about Jeremy Hunt. Here what he said.[[MORE]]
Cameron: Look, Jeremy may be an ghastly, slimy, hypocritical, unconscionable, kiss up/kick down, shallow careerist, who seems able to conflate his private wild enthusiasm for something and his public modest regard for...
Quasi-Judicial, my friends
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, local egghead set Jeremy Hunt explanation of quasi-judicial to music.[[MORE]]
Quasi-judicial
(To tune of “We are the Champions” > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2NU98NZF8o)
I’ve heard your views, Time after time. I’ve been quite helpful, But committed no crime. Vince made mistakes, Didn’t like you. I see no underhand Tricks in your case, And...
That's Life!
Hello, here in Smolensk butcher’s shop, local egghead Student Arkady respond to suggestion things look very bad for David Cameron by set another great song to new lyrics.[[MORE]]
That’s Life
(To this tune: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55YTRNmgZEI)
That’s life! [That’s life!]. That’s what all the people say. Your budget’s slain through April, Coulson in May. And Hunt’s...
Gove!
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, Student Arkady tell us about dream he have last night.[[MORE]]
“Incredible, Pavel,” he say. I dream today’s Leveson hearing proceed as usual, but to tune of old Spandau Ballet song.”
“Scary,” I reply. “Which one?”
“This one.” Arkady sing this famous old tune...
The Fall Guy
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we plenty interest in Adam Smith evidence to Leveson Enquiry.[[MORE]]
Reporters on Volga TV News coverage say Adam has been entertain press pack by sing songs in breaks between sessions. Apparently go like this:
The Fall Guy
(to this old tune > http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aw-GP1D6cdo)
Well, I’ve been quite kind to Fred Michel, And I’ve...
Rebekah is innocent!
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we consider rough justice given to Rebekah and Charlie Brooks. [[MORE]]
“It is terrible,” exclaim local egghead Student Arkady. “Huge waste of CPS time and resources.”
“Why?” I ask.
“Well first it is criminal cruelty to persecute people with mental health issues. Like everyone connected with News International, the Brookses have chronic and debilitating...
Boris is Right. BBC is Left. Which is Right
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we sad as Boris Johnson uncover fresh evidence of leftist political bias at BBC.[[MORE]]
“Of course,” say local egghead Student Arkady, showing us Mayor accusation > http://bit.ly/KmGGHn “Some will say Boris’ suggestion, that a chance remark made about a sculpture’s design and charging structure is evidence of the BBC’s Leninist tendency, manifests a...
We're in a brand new tractor factory
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop we sing great new song.[[MORE]]
Clegg and Cameron renew vows. In tractor factory. And how nostalgic that make me feel. I was married in tractor factory. Owing to bureaucratic error. Should have been gasworks.
So we suggest they release commemorative single.
We’re in a brand new tractor factory
(To famous tune by The Wurzels >...
Volga News TV Politics: Putin, France, Cameron and...
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we watch Volga News TV Politics Round Up. [[MORE]]
At first it dominate by yesterday footage of Vladimir Putin triumphant return to Presidency. We weep plenty big tear as entire population of small hamlet near Nizhny-Novgorod get so excited they spontaneously combust, delight as man from Suzdal place himself in cryogenic suspension so his organs can be used by...
Captaincy, treachery and defeat
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we lament defeat this week for our beloved Sunday League of Football team, Smolensk Sputniks. [[MORE]]
As friends know, Sputniks is my joy. I goalkeeper. Goalie best position. You can drink plenty, smoke plenty, flirt with lady in crowd (and if game one-sided go even further – though sadly not option for me and my floppy Ivan), and blame defenders when all go...
UK Local Elections
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we consider significance of last night local election results in UK. [[MORE]]
We very help in this by Tim Montgomerie of Conservative Home. Great Tory thinker, who once advise Iain Duncan Smith on elector-friendly politics and telegenic interview style, suggest advance of UK Independence Party is big issue of night. UKIP huge success – at time of writing they...
April 2012
11 posts
Hodgson for England? Brooking for Downing Street?
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we plenty worry Football Association embarrass Cameron government. [[MORE]]
In February, Fabio Capello resign England manager job. Murdoch flagship newspaper The Sun declare immediate support for Harry Redknapp. Now Redknapp got no international experience. He win one major trophy in managing career. And Redknapp like banker: paid in generous mix of salary and...
Hunt
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we concern that in Britain you miss chance to solve Jeremy Hunt case. [[MORE]]
Allegating: Hunt undermine quasimodo-judicial role on News Corp takeover of BSkyB by communicate with James Murdoch people and give advice. This be like if judge pass notes to person appearing in court, telling them how case going and what they should say next. (Actually, this...
Double, Double Dip Means Trouble
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher’s shop, local egghead Student Arkady continue his tribute to Shakespeare and celebrate UK economy return to recession with this rework of witches spell from Macbeth.[[MORE]]
Enter three ministers. Thunder, lightning, IMF warnings
PRIME MINISTER.
Round about the cauldron go;
In the poison’d measures throw.
VAT that renders sales stone cold,
Pies...
Lords Reform - My Proposal
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we very worry about Lords reform. [[MORE]]
Good old sexy Russian origins Nicky Clegg, defining politician of age, has take leave of absence from his mind and in moment of crazy mad propose reform and democratisation of House of Lords. Plenty silly business.
Until this spasm of irrational malice against this Pugin Palace for Pensioners, this Dream of...
For St George, Shakespeare - and Nadine
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we excite by read local egghead Student Arkady reworking of John of Gaunt speech for Shakespeare birthday celebration and St George’s Day.[[MORE]]
John of Gaunt:
Methinks I am a prophet new inspired And thus expiring do foretell of them: The public schoolboys will alas persist, While violent Dorries soon burns out herself. Cold showers prescribed her...
Chaos
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we consider recent Coalition turmoils. [[MORE]]
George unravel. Theresa implode. Sayeeda exist. Plenty chaos.
So? Is this bad thing?
Chaos central to politics. Chaos cause Iraq, John Major, Labour ending NHS market, Brown saying “no return to boom and bust”, Eric Pickles scrapping planning centralisation, Labour reintroducing NHS market, Tea Party, return of...
Volcano!
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop we intrigue by latest proposal for green energy in Britain. Volcanoes! [[MORE]]
Idea simple. Big undersea wire carry power, create by volcanic activity in Iceland, into UK. For volcanoes got plenty geothermal energy. And geothermals is big thermals. Bigger even than those Eric Pickles wear in winter.
Exciting strategy. And sustainable. Iceland volcanoes...
Elephant
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we is think about little things you must say to make life bearable. [[MORE]]
Yesterday, Smolensk oligarch Big Oleg come shop. “I have job for you Pavel,” he announce. Recently, Oleg been move back into entertainment business. He move out in 1990s when lose plenty money. British gangster get him drunk and convince him buy controlling interest in Fred Dinenage....
The Smolensk Boat Race
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we recall history of Boat Race. Smolensk Boat Race. [[MORE]]
Great event! Contested every year since fall of communism by our great university rivals: Smolensk Academy (patron: oligarch Big Oleg) and Smolensk Institute (patron: Oleg nemesis, Big Alkan).
Early races were mar by plenty crowd disrupting. You see, people used accuse these two great college of be...
The Passion of the Skype
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop we recover from watch drama local egghead Student Arkady take us see. It done by English actors. I not understand, but Arkady is obtain extract. Maybe British friends is able explanation.[[MORE]]
@evangelistmatt: For in that time it came to pass that @JHX33 tweeted his followers, who did number 5000, in parables, even to the freest licence of his speech. Yet...
"There are upsides to looking this shifty"
Hello! Here in Smolensk butcher shop, we read Nick Clegg interview in Volga News (English language edition).[[MORE]]
Nick Clegg on why Liberals hate him for seeming Tory
On a recent appearance in a rose garden in Westminster, I was delighted when a special adviser came over and gave me a bottle of champagne.
‘This is from the captain — he wants to welcome you on board and hopes you have a great...
